Being bad at running is a concept that transcends performance. Running slowly is not bad running. Running short distances is not bad running. Then what is terrible running?
Want to be hated by everyone around you? Do you consider obscene gestures a compliment? Do you have little to no respect for anyone or anything around you? Perfect, we’ve got the guide just for you.
*Fair warning, don’t do this stuff. It’s rude and you will be loathed.*
Are You An Awful Runner?
The Trail Tyrant
You own the trail. It is yours, and yours only.
No one shall pass you, and you will continue to speed up to prevent that from happening. Sure, you’re breathing and this run has become excruciating, but it’s worth it to establish your dominance on this trail. And when they have the gall to attempt to pass, swerve. Block their movement and make this the race of the year, as if your very life depends on it.
Here’s a great strategy: constantly checking over your shoulder to ensure that the person behind you knows that they are inferior. You know deep down that they admire you for running faster than them. In fact, it makes you that much more attractive.
Maintaining Your Territory
The right of way is obviously given only to those who refuse to move over, so don’t budge. The concrete belongs to only one person. You keep your turf by staying in the middle of the path and with aggressively pointed elbows. You gain even more by charging down those in front of you, with little warning. Why would you need to announce your presence and which direction you are going? It’s going to be over soon enough.
Like a bulldozer to a beach ball, you stand your ground and leave the families with strollers in your wake of terror. This is a serious sport, and nobody understands this better than you. Your pace is everything, and losing one tenth of a second to sidestep a pedestrian is simply not worth it.
Body Language of a Champion
Your scowl is your weapon of choice. Eyes of lead that pierce anyone’s soul, if they are even allowed a peek. Because you won’t give them the time of day anyways, few are deserving of even the slightest head nod. No look is too dirty to throw at those in the oncoming. They will know that you are the elite of this area, and don’t let them forget it.
As the kind folk of your area greet you with “good morning” or a basic “hello”, it is imperative to at the very least scoff, if not ignore them. Donning your vocalization is impossible mid-run, and how dare someone distract you with their politeness. The presence of a local legend is enough for them anyways, don’t they recognize you by your blistering 10 minute mile?
Traversing Treacherous Traffic
Crosswalks are a suggestion, not a rule. You believe that life should be more like Frogger, but with even more cars. Weaving in and out of traffic is an art form that you have perfected. The whole three mile area will know of your existence because the sounds of aggressive honking and horns will be pervasive.
That truck may be large, but it has nothing on your ego. Newton’s laws of motion weren’t made to understand personal injury lawsuits. And you’d best believe there’s bonus points for slapping the hoods and trunks of cars. It really does leave the best impression on others.